Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
