Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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