walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
