i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
