So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
