theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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