i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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