On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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