Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
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All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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