just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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