i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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