Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
