Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A bitchslap is in order.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
