i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
