i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
