So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
