So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
