I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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