i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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