mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
