either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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