I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
