He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
