Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
