just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon