he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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