i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
