Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
