if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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