nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize