I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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