Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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