apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
