You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
