pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
