Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
