if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
