Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
