shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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