i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
