You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
