I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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