you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
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Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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