I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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