I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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