She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
