oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
