I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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