I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
