Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
