I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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