Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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