i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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