new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
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Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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