i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
