i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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