just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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