there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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